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Chavs
I apologise for the length of time it has taken me to write another hate article but I have been doing other stuff.
Basically- as the title suggests this article is about the phenomena commonly known as ChAvS!
For those of you who am unsure as to what I am reffering to, I am talking about the grunger hating, puffa jacket wearing, gold accumulating pikeys that populate 85% of Maidstone.
These people have no apparent individuality- they cluster together and make strange noises to communicate with each other. They instinctively hate anyone who does not belong to their tribe and demonstrate this by making aggressive noises and repeatedly threatening their victim until they die of laughter.
Chavs, by instinct are obsessed with the WWF- they believe that everything that it contains is absolute reality- their dedication to this ‘sport’ is almost religious. They idolise each of the actors they see and mimic their on screen performances in a much more aggressive fashion.
They also seem to wish to accumulate as much jewlery as they possibly can within their lifetime. This gold is mainly accumulated via their instictive stealth and cunning at evading police capture. An interesting result of this magpie-like behavior is that they seem to be drawn towards Christian symbols such as the cross- but still calim to have no religious attatchment (other than that of wrestling). It is not uncommon to see a chav wearing a big golden cross whilst carrying out theivery and other ‘un-christian’ acts.
Although I previously mentioned that they instictively hate all outsiders to their midst, they seem to hold total abhorrence towards one particular group, ‘Grungers’. I put this word in inverted commas because to a chav, one does not need to like grunge to be a grunger. The basic requirement is that you have your own mind, don’t listen to pop,r&b and garage and that you don’t want to run around Tovil, knocking on doors and beating up old women.I will now refer to the pikey deifnition of ‘grunger’ as grungerX. According to these primitive people, grungerXs spend most of their time mutilating themselves, worshipping the devil and drinking peoples blood. Occasionally this defintion is actually correct- but very rarely. Self mutilation is a very silly thing to do- it hurts. Worshipping the devil is also a pretty dumb thing to do- because a) the concept is inherently hypocritical, b) is makes you basically a renegade Christian and c) you have to basically hate everyone. Drinking peoples blood… hmm well I dunno about that one- I personally don’t see any point as it can probably do more bad to you than any pleasure than it may cause you.
Recently there was a massive musical shift from GrungerX to pikey taste- in the form of Limp Bizkit. Limp Bizkit started off as a rather good band- their first album was nice, heavy and approved by musical Gods, KoRn. Their second album was OK as well, it had some pretty good songs and some nice aggressive music in there. The release of their third album (Chocolate Starfish And The Hot Dog Flavoured Water) grabbed my intention and as soon as it was possible I availed myself of it. At first- I kind of liked it- it had some ok music at times but really was nothing compared with the previous two- they had completely sold out and written meaningless songs that would be sub-standard for britney spears. Fred Durst sounds like more of a fool than ever, and the whole sound was devoid of any of their previous individuality. Then came ‘Rollin’’… The pikey world was taken by storm- they had found something that meant nothing, had the same repeated sound throughout the song and had lots of rude words in it. It reached number 1 in our pathetic UK Chart system- fully proving that Limp Bizkit now suck. I only pray (to myself) that Limp Bizkit’s makers, KoRn do not fall prey to the same hyper-commericalism upon the release of their upcoming album.
Pikeys/Chavs/whatever you want to call them have 2 main roles in life.
1) Keeping the police force in business (a negative effect- makes the system stronger)
2) Inventing new slang for words that are already slang. (perhaps you could call them linguistic innovaters or something to make them feel important)
If anyone upon reading this article has thought “Oh no! He’s talking about ME! What should I do???” I firmly suggest hanging yourself- it’s the best way to go.
Hail Thineself
--MK
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